Greenie! <3

If we are sharing smiles, I'll share a passage from the novel I'm writing for National Novel Writing Month. The idea for the book is that college essay topics are so dumb, they leave a lot of room for humor. Here is the first essay:

Jack: The One That Inspired Me to Have a Brain

Do you remember the kid that ate paste in Kindergarten? The one kid that even the teacher looked at and said, “dang, that’s clearly a product of inbreeding?”I figured that Darwin’s theory of Survival of the Fittest would have already eliminated kids like this from the face of the earth. Imagine my surprise when I walked into my freshmen homeroom and found Jack. Now Jack was a little different than everyone else, and it only took a second to come to this conclusion. As I proceeded to walk into the room, my nostrils were met with a smell that reminded me of the garbage truck that passed my residence this morning. Casting a quick glance across the room, I discovered that only Jack could be the culprit. I’m not sure what led me to this conclusion, but the intense scratching of the head and constant swiping at flies could have had something to do with it.

I took my seat, and tried to prepare myself for my first day of high school. My thoughts were interrupted by a deep, raspy cough, that of a smoker. For a brief moment I let my mind ponder as to what kind of this guy was smoking, but the concern quickly left my mind. When the guy started to cough out his left lung, and part of his large intestine, I shot him a dirty look. Was it really necessary to make so much noise?

The teacher, an older lady that had a striking resemblance to my grandmother, lifted herself out of her seat, and proceeded to the front of the classroom. Before she could give the friendly “Good morning, and welcome to the next four years of your life” speech, a hand flew up. I’ll give you three guesses as to whose hand it happened to be. On the off chance that you are as slow as Jack, I’ll tell you: Jack. What a surprise, right? Anyway, his hand shot up, and he proceeded to ask the teacher, “When’s recess?” I’m still in debate to this very day as to if he was being serious or being a smartass, but in the end it really doesn’t matter. Jack made a name for himself that very first day, and not the kind of name you particularly want. However, I hadn’t heard the last of Jack. Since the events detailed above took place my first day of high school, I had the “pleasure” of knowing Jack much longer.

Apparently my dirty look on that first day was a real turn on for Jack, seeing as he asked me to the homecoming dance four years in a row. I carefully explained that each rejection should be a clear indication as to just how much I detested him, yet he kept coming back. I could always find Jack in a crowd, because Jack managed to divide a crowd into two segments, much like Moses parted the Red Sea. Yet while Moses had God on his side, Jack had a general vibe that screamed that anyone passing within 100 feet of Jack would instantly be infected with rats, lice, STD’s, world hunger, and every other bad and disgusting thing found in this world. And it seemed that every time I allowed myself a backwards glance, there he was.

Have I yet mentioned his intelligence? Jack was lacking. Seriously lacking. In fact, I do believe he was dropped on his head multiple times as a baby. One must ponder if this was due to the repulsive feeling that his mother must have gotten every time she was forced to come around him… Greatest apologies for my rambling. Anyway, Jack seemed to be lacking grey matter in his brain. Anytime someone feels compelled to ask where the Great Wall of China is, or even what country France is in… Well, let’s just say he wasn’t the greatest at geography. In math, he had the benefit of ten fingers and ten toes to worth with, so as long as the problem didn’t call of calculations over twenty, Jack was brilliant. The one class that Jack MUST have been good at was health: The Environmental Protection Agency, along with the Center for Disease Control, forced him to take the class multiple times.

I’m afraid that I’ve gotten a bit off track again, and I’m sure that I have passed the recommended word count that your essay calls for. It’s just that upon reflecting on Jack, flurries of memories come back, and each one is either more revolting, or more pathetic then the last one. To go back to the original question, I have learned quite a lot from Jack. Jack and I were completely opposites, thank God, and he certainly inspired drastic changes in my life. I began bathing twice daily, instead of just one in the evening. I realized that you can never be too clean, least you be thought of as a cockroach like Jack. That smoking isn’t the best option in life, despite the fact that Jack got a brass lung for Christmas that year. Finally, I was reminded that college was a must, least I end up in the position he is in now.

You may wonder where Jack is indeed. I wondered the same after he dropped out. Despite my minimal curiosity, I couldn’t rest until I was certain that Jack hadn’t achieved anything in life. It simply wouldn’t be fair if Darwin didn’t win. In the end, I learned the greatest lesson of all: Life can be terribly ironic. If I had to take a guess, I would say that you all have met Jack before. Late at night, when the building you work in is all alone, and the halls quiet… A stench will rise up, and there will be Jack the janitor. Well, at least he finally made it to college. Do be aware that if you find large quantities of rubber cement missing, Jack never did get over his obsession of inhaling and eating toxic chemicals. Now that you are aware of the situation, I expect that he will be fired on the spot, and his existence forgotten yet again. Based on this assumption, I would love to join your higher center for learning that Jack drove me to.

Thanks for your consideration,

Jamie Taylor Oarks

Greenie girl