Friends With Benefits - Booty Call Agreement - Updated for 2012

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES & PRINCIPALS:

• No sleeping over. Unless it's very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
• No meeting in public unless it's for car-sex, or if absolutely necessary ... for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
• No calls / texts / email before 9:00 PM. We don't have shit to talk about (unless you're sending nudies).
• No plans made in advance, that is why you are called the "backup", unless you're from out of town, then it's a one-time advanced arrangement.
• No "baby" or "honey" talks. However, dirty talk is encouraged.
• No asking for comparisons with former lovers. For those 10 minutes that you're in, you are all that matters at that moment.
• No calling each other "friends with benefits" or "friends with privileges", we are not friends, just sex buddies. Unless you're actually friends, but who are we kidding ...
• No extra clothing. I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
• No falling asleep or hanging out right after sex. It's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and get the fuck out.
• No kissing on the lips. If you'll toss my salad on the first date Lord knows what else you do with that mouth.
• No condoms, no bitching. Take your ass home.
• No use of my phone, please. I don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
• No emotional discussions. (i.e. Where are we heading with this? What are we doing? Do you love me?) The answer is NO, so don't even ask. Besides, I have a "Tramp Stamp" for a reason.
• Don't waste your time bullshitting with fake affection or delcaration of feelings, we've already agreed to be each others' Booty Call, don't push it.
• Don't be a dumdum and post where you're really at using the GPS location features of Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, etc., go to GeekDrop and learn how to FAKE where you're at to throw people off of your booty calling scent.
• Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it, I don't care, I got mine.
• Don't get jealous when you see me flirting with someone else on Facebook, or at least don't say shit to me about it.
• Don't ask me if I know who my daddy is. I already know cause it ain't you.
• Don't ask me who the voice of the girl / guy in the background is, just be happy you're the one I'm setting the booty call up with right now and not them.
• Don't fuck around on Skype (or sexting) when I tell you to get naked, just hurry the fuck up and do it, I've already seen you naked and I ain't got all night to talk you into it.
• Don't be surprised or nag me if I don't comment or "Like" any of your Facebook posts, I'm purposely keeping a low profile.
• Don't ask me whose pussy / cock this is, it's a self-explanatory question. It's already attached to its rightful owner.
• Don't ask me why I got a Christmas tree tattoo on one side of my junk and a turkey on the other. Everyone knows that the best eating happens between Thanksgiving & Christmas.
• None of that "love-making" shit. Only SEX allowed.
• You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
• You cannot borrow any of my clothes and/or jewelry for any reason.
• If you're cheating on someone, you're expected to cover your ass like a professional Ninja. If we get caught, party's over, you're dead to me .. you're fault.
• If you're cheating on someone, and it's your fault the other person got their ass kicked, you're fully responsible for any and all of their medical bills.
• If anyone asks who I am, the standard response will be: "I dunno, I thought she / he looked familiar too".
• Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK, don't be offended. I won't.
• Doggystyle is the preferred position: the less the eye contact, the better.
• Bring your own drinks, I'm not your liquor store.
• All gifts accepted, money is always good.