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relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on me!!!

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hello i am posting this anonymous because its embarrassing but id love some advice. i saw my fiance's cell phone statement and hes been texting and talking on the phone to a strange number alot. I did my homework and found out its a girl that we both know. We have a young daughter together so i had installed a keylogger on our homecomputer a while ago to keep tabs on herand make sure she stays out of trouble. I noticed a couple of the texts they sent mentioned sending some pictures to his email so with the keylogger information i logged into his email to see if i could find them. well after reading many emails between them its very sure that they've had sex and been to dinners and dates. I was suspicious for a year now because he would tell me his phone wasnt working for one reason or another so couldnt call me like he used to and he would go out late at night even on work nights but only be gone for a short time. When I asked once about some of the girls numbers on his cell phone he just told me "they were just friends" and i was being a jealous syco and that he is not the type of person who would cheat. I think he knew this would just make me look bad and feel guilty so i stopped asking about them. the advice i would like to know is i havent been single for 6 years! i dont even know HOW to be single anymore. most of my girlfriends are in relationships and they hang out with relationship couples so i would feel weird with them all now, and my single girlfriends or the ones who arent single but go out with the group of girls (and cheat on thier boyfriends and fiances) dont do much but get drunk all the time and hang out at bars, messing with boys, staying out late, evenon week nights, and that old story. i'm only 30 but i'm soooooooo past that immaturity. I dont like being drunk all the time or hungover all the time, and the bar scene, and all the idiots and immaturity that are at them makes me want to puke!! I stand there watching guys act stupid trying to get in girls pants, and girls act stupid trying ot get the guys to try to get in theri pants. so what do i do? should I stay with my cheating man who swears to me he'll stop or should i dump him and be single again? if I'm single again WTF do i even do?? BARS SUCK!!! And what else is there to do for a single girl? I also feel really weird just not having a significant other.

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STaRDoGG's picture
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STaRDoGG
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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...

Ohhh man, you came to the right place! I have alot of experience in this field! Laughing

Where to start? First off, don't worry about feeling weird being single. I didn't have a girlfriend for the entire 2008 or 2009. I came to actually find it more comfortable than dealing with relationships with broken people. Of course these people always try to re-focus the faults on you, but nothing can change the real facts no matter how hard they try. Also, forget trying to make them see things clearly, or see things your way. Trying to talk sense to these people is like talking to a brick wall, a complete waste of time. Trust me, I've tried it over and over and over, and they only care about one thing ... their own view, even when they know they're wrong. They have absolutely no desire to see things your way. It's a stingy 'me me me' world these days, and people only focus on themselves and what makes them happy at any moment in time, which can change from hour to hour, day to day. The minute they might feel a bit unhappy, they're on the lookout for someone new. Get into a spat? Watch out! They're looking! They getting bored? Looking! Someone more attractive come along? See ya! Are they drunk and horny and you happen to not be handy but this other person hitting on them IS? "woopsy!". They go out with their girl/guy friends for a "guys/ladies night out"? Guess what, this is just a name for a chance to go out and meet new people and do God knows what, while being rooted on by their friends. I've learned there's almost always nothing 'girls only' when it's a night out with 'just the girls'. There're always guys there, just not the significant others ... aka ME.

This probably isn't what you want to hear while in the middle of all of this emotion, but I would drop him like he was an atom effin bomb. Trust me, once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar, no matter what bs they try to feed you. It's who they ARE. It's part of their actual personality to be a liar and cheater, and part of that whole personality type also involves making you out to be the enemy once they get nailed doing wrong. If you think he's going to stop after this first time, you're falling for his bs. He WILL do it again. And again and again, until you finally leave. Eventually he'll try to twist things around to make it seem like your fault, and even turn into a complete ahole towards you for simply being the victim of his bs, and "oh no" ... actually being pissed about it and firing back with maybe some harsh, but true, words.

I live by one rule and one rule only nowadays ... "actions not words". Pay attention ONLY to their actions. Anything they TELL you, take with a very large grain of salt and skepticism. Pay attention to where they hang out alot, who they hang out with, (there's an old saying that goes "show me who someones friends are, and I'll tell you exactly who that person will become. So if they hang with a bunch of party drunks, who stay out at all hours, messing around with randoms, guess what, that's who your sig other will be too. If they aren't already since there's also another saying that goes "birds of a feather flock together"). Pay attention to the times they do things and what they're doing at those times, are they a huge drinker? Bad sign. Pay attention to what they say to their friends, especially girlfriends (in the case of girls, or guy friends in the case of guys), because they'll most likely act one way to you and a different way to them, if they're shady. Most of these lying cheating types, will bad mouth you to their friends, or play your relationship down and then in private to you and only you, act like they really do like you and want things to go somewhere. They NEVER want themselves to look or sound bad, so they'll tell you what they think you want to hear, and then act a totally different way. So actions ... not words. Only pay attention to their actions. Simple rule ... "If it LOOKS like a duck, SOUNDS like a duck, ACTS like a duck, it's probably a duck."

When a person is into you and only into you, they will do whatever it takes to make sure things in the relationship stay great at all times, and on the up and up. Drop your guy and forget about him, your relationship is already dead in the water. He's not worth your time anymore. Don't let him continue to play ya like a harp, until he's ready to fully drop ya at some other point down the road.


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U2
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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...

Kudos to you Stardogg, so totally true. Everyone should keep a copy of what you wrote and read it from time to time when in doubt about a relationship or trying to make that final decision on one. Awesome advice, well written, well done.

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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...
somewhere over the rainbow wrote:

Everyone should keep a copy of what you wrote and read it from time to time when in doubt about a relationship or trying to make that final decision on one.

I totally agree SOTR! It should be a one page bible of sorts Laughing No seriously, i totally agree with you, it is definitely some sound advice.

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STaRDoGG
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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...

I could write a book! One previous GD member told me that I should open a section here where women ask me advice, and I'd answer them, like He's Just Not That Into You, I'd be "Dear ScHottie" or something, Laughing. I told her that I'd have no problem doing that, (I give great advice. Wink ) but for some reason whenever I try to give advice to women, even when they're ASKING me for advice, once I answer them, they get defensive and/or stubborn (sometimes even pissed at me), and decide not to believe me or listen anyway, Laughing. But thanks to that I have a loooong list of "I told ya so's!" Big Grin

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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...

Heyyyy I always listen to your advice Sad without getting defensive, or stubborn.... well .... most of the time I mean Laughing

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STaRDoGG
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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...

Yea, you are generally pretty good about it. Generally. Tongue

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U2
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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...

Dear ScHottie !

I think you should open up a section where women can ask for advice because the advice you gave here is perfect and so very true.

What you said here:

"Trust me, once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar, no matter what bs they try to feed you. It's who they ARE. It's part of their actual personality to be a liar and cheater, and part of that whole personality type also involves making you out to be the enemy once they get nailed doing wrong. If you think he's going to stop after this first time, you're falling for his bs. He WILL do it again. And again and again, until you finally leave. Eventually he'll try to twist things around to make it seem like your fault, and even turn into a complete ahole towards you for simply being the victim of his bs, and "oh no" ... actually being pissed about it and firing back with maybe some harsh, but true, words."

maybe hurtful but its the truth. Everything you said was right on and I know that from experience, and just recently too. Without going into a lot of details, my situation was different from what you replied about, but what you said was exactly what happened and the cheater/liar part is so true and does continue on, they don't change, and they also think they are never going to get caught. So wrong.

No matter what the relationship, when the cheater/liar part comes into play its hard to live with and it makes me wonder what else in the relationship was a lie.

Your advice was perfect, and I would definitely listen to what you have to say.

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STaRDoGG
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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...

Haha, maybe I really will open a section like that up, just for fun and to see what happens. I'm certainly no dating success story, it seems kinda hard to be one these days, but I've been in the trenches and through a ton of crap. People on both sides of the sexes fence can be real skunks.

Plus, I read He's Just Not that Into You a while ago and while I think about 95% of the advice given by the dude is dead on, and good advice, there were a few things not quite right in my opinion, maybe I could list the ones I disagreed with and set things straight. Wink

Sorry to hear about your recent one, painful sh*t!

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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...
STaRDoGG wrote:

Haha, maybe I really will open a section like that up, just for fun and to see what happens.

I say go for it - sounds like it would take off Big Grin

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Re: relationship help pls i caught my fiance cheating on ...

Oh yeah please do, list the ones you dont agree with, and lets see if we agree with you.

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